are reporting that some of the most distant objects ever detected, perhaps
from the dawn of the universe, have been sighted through the orbiting
This has caused quite a bit of excitement among them. "This is
rarer than having Congress actually act on something," stated one
of the scientists, emphasizing the word "actually." Another
reported, "These images are so sudden and unexpected, this event
can only be compared to suddenly having even ONE of the 255 appointments
waiting for Congress-ional action, actually voted on."
A reporter staring into the images asked the bubbly scientists, "Seems
a little fuzzy to me. Can you really learn anything from it?" She
responded quickly and with a wry smile, "Why this is crystal clear
compared to trying to understand the Congress these days. Look at all
of those colors, how varied and unpredictable it is. If this were Congress
all the bright colors would be on one side and the majority of dull
grays and yellows would be on the other. Nature is MUCH easier to grasp.
Yes, we are getting a lot from these images"
The reporter then asked, "Do you really trust the refined grindings
of the glass mirrors and lenses to see something so far away? Are you
sure you really understand the images?" Another scientist, pushing
his way to the front, a little out of breath, tried to express his happiness.
"Actually, this is so vivid and clear. Think of Henry Hyde calling
on his fellow Congresspeople to do their, "Duty, duty, duty,"
by removing a President for lying about sex. Ha! The Hubble rules in
accuracy and honesty compared to those guys."
The Reporter was getting a little exasperated at this point and held
up his hands as other scientists were getting ready to volunteer their
observations, too. "Hold it. Are you guys in a hubble bubble or
something? I want to talk about space!" A scientist shouted out,
"If you want to really stare off into the depths of empty space,
open the doors of Congress!" This caused a hilarious laugh to break
out among the white coats. They were patting each other on the back
and everyone was nodding their heads in agreement. Then another one
spoke up. "These images are our first tentative glimpse into a
very remote universe. They may show the first views of galaxy formation.
It has taken decades for us to achieve this... but we may never again
see even the remotest image of common sense in Congress." Again,
the entire assembly burst into laughter, now they were truly enjoying
themselves. Waving his hands, the former scientist rose again, stifling
his mirth, attempting to appear to be serious. "The objects in
the Hubble are such faint blobs that their true nature can only be explored
with the most advanced telescopes of the future, especially the one
now being developed to replace the Hubble to be launched in 2007. But
we will NEVER know the true nature of the blobs that run Congress!"
This brought down the house.
The reporter left the laboratory feeling dejected. He thought to himself,
"I came for a story, and got a bunch of comedians."
Glenn held a brief press conference yesterday to chastise the press for
focusing on him as he prepares to return to space on October 29th. "You
guys," the space faring Senator began, "are getting too far
into the human aspects of this flight, and talking too much to me, when
you should be focusing on Congress where the real space shots are shooting
off all over the place." The gathered members of the press were somewhat
shocked at this, and one asked the astronaut, "Are you saying that
you yourself should be back in Congress rather than training for this
flight?" Senator Glenn burst out laughing at this, clearly relishing
his answer, "Hell no," she said, "no one can work in a
Knoblauch, the second baseman for the Yankees who let a ball roll behind
him while he argued with the umpire and the winning run scored for the
Indians, held a meeting with the press yesterday. In it he apologized
for his lapse of judgment and stated that his incredulity thunderstruck
him into a brief bout with insanity. "What did the ump say, Chuck?"
a reporter asked him. "He said that he felt the current Congress
was one of the best in history. I'm sorry, but it was just too much. Everything
sort of blanked out. I just couldn't believe it. How could he say such
a thing? I was briefly incapacitated."
José Saramago, a 75-year-old Portuguese writer who took
up literature relatively late in life and whose richly imaginative novels
soon won him a following of loyal readers across Europe and vocal admirers
in the United States, was awarded this year's Nobel Prize in Literature
Thursday by the Swedish Academy in Stockholm.
In an interview with media representatives, a reporter inquired about
his late in life interest in writing, "What took you so long, José?"
"Well, you may be right, that I was slow in taking up the pen, but
compared to the Congress's inactivity this past year, I was alacritous!"
This caused a few laughs. The reporter continued, "Your latest book,
"Blindness," now available in English, has all but one of the
characters mysteriously become blind, has been described as "symphonic."
What was the idea behind this Noble-Prize Winning effort" The author
looked out at the crowd through his rose-colored glasses and smiled. "The
U.S. Congressional Republicans, of course." Laughter filled the hall
as the author moved on to the next interview.
See you next time.