Comment Of The Day
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Friday, October 9, 1998

The Hubble Bubble...
We were getting sick of the politics of Newt and his gang of Republicans,
so we decided to write about some of the other things going on in the world today..

Scientists are reporting that some of the most distant objects ever detected, perhaps from the dawn of the universe, have been sighted through the orbiting space telescope.

This has caused quite a bit of excitement among them. "This is rarer than having Congress actually act on something," stated one of the scientists, emphasizing the word "actually." Another reported, "These images are so sudden and unexpected, this event can only be compared to suddenly having even ONE of the 255 appointments waiting for Congress-ional action, actually voted on."

A reporter staring into the images asked the bubbly scientists, "Seems a little fuzzy to me. Can you really learn anything from it?" She responded quickly and with a wry smile, "Why this is crystal clear compared to trying to understand the Congress these days. Look at all of those colors, how varied and unpredictable it is. If this were Congress all the bright colors would be on one side and the majority of dull grays and yellows would be on the other. Nature is MUCH easier to grasp. Yes, we are getting a lot from these images"

The reporter then asked, "Do you really trust the refined grindings of the glass mirrors and lenses to see something so far away? Are you sure you really understand the images?" Another scientist, pushing his way to the front, a little out of breath, tried to express his happiness. "Actually, this is so vivid and clear. Think of Henry Hyde calling on his fellow Congresspeople to do their, "Duty, duty, duty," by removing a President for lying about sex. Ha! The Hubble rules in accuracy and honesty compared to those guys."

The Reporter was getting a little exasperated at this point and held up his hands as other scientists were getting ready to volunteer their observations, too. "Hold it. Are you guys in a hubble bubble or something? I want to talk about space!" A scientist shouted out, "If you want to really stare off into the depths of empty space, open the doors of Congress!" This caused a hilarious laugh to break out among the white coats. They were patting each other on the back and everyone was nodding their heads in agreement. Then another one spoke up. "These images are our first tentative glimpse into a very remote universe. They may show the first views of galaxy formation. It has taken decades for us to achieve this... but we may never again see even the remotest image of common sense in Congress." Again, the entire assembly burst into laughter, now they were truly enjoying themselves. Waving his hands, the former scientist rose again, stifling his mirth, attempting to appear to be serious. "The objects in the Hubble are such faint blobs that their true nature can only be explored with the most advanced telescopes of the future, especially the one now being developed to replace the Hubble to be launched in 2007. But we will NEVER know the true nature of the blobs that run Congress!" This brought down the house.

The reporter left the laboratory feeling dejected. He thought to himself, "I came for a story, and got a bunch of comedians."

John Glenn held a brief press conference yesterday to chastise the press for focusing on him as he prepares to return to space on October 29th. "You guys," the space faring Senator began, "are getting too far into the human aspects of this flight, and talking too much to me, when you should be focusing on Congress where the real space shots are shooting off all over the place." The gathered members of the press were somewhat shocked at this, and one asked the astronaut, "Are you saying that you yourself should be back in Congress rather than training for this flight?" Senator Glenn burst out laughing at this, clearly relishing his answer, "Hell no," she said, "no one can work in a perfect vacuum."

Chuck Knoblauch, the second baseman for the Yankees who let a ball roll behind him while he argued with the umpire and the winning run scored for the Indians, held a meeting with the press yesterday. In it he apologized for his lapse of judgment and stated that his incredulity thunderstruck him into a brief bout with insanity. "What did the ump say, Chuck?" a reporter asked him. "He said that he felt the current Congress was one of the best in history. I'm sorry, but it was just too much. Everything sort of blanked out. I just couldn't believe it. How could he say such a thing? I was briefly incapacitated."

José Saramago, a 75-year-old Portuguese writer who took up literature relatively late in life and whose richly imaginative novels soon won him a following of loyal readers across Europe and vocal admirers in the United States, was awarded this year's Nobel Prize in Literature Thursday by the Swedish Academy in Stockholm.

In an interview with media representatives, a reporter inquired about his late in life interest in writing, "What took you so long, José?"

"Well, you may be right, that I was slow in taking up the pen, but compared to the Congress's inactivity this past year, I was alacritous!" This caused a few laughs. The reporter continued, "Your latest book, "Blindness," now available in English, has all but one of the characters mysteriously become blind, has been described as "symphonic." What was the idea behind this Noble-Prize Winning effort" The author looked out at the crowd through his rose-colored glasses and smiled. "The U.S. Congressional Republicans, of course." Laughter filled the hall as the author moved on to the next interview.

See you next time.